Friday 11 April 2014
So maybe I make everything about gender. I am a woman, and gender
has little ways it screws up my life, so why the hell not. Like all the times I
was called nwa ogbarida by my mom and
relatives as a kid, and how I had filtered it to mean I shouldn’t been visible.
I shouldn't be so out there, for everyone to see me. I shouldn't be seen to like the
sight of myself and the sound of my voice. How I embodied all that disapproval,
and tends to wince when I encounter an innocent little girl who is doing these
things I had done myself. How I would cringe and think this one is in for wahala. Or how I had reacted on seeing Lupita’s
character in 12 Years A Slave dancing so conspicuously. How I thought, “she is
showing off herself; she is asking for trouble,” and even felt sort of
validated when she got hit with a wine (hard) bottle. I had embodied the
mind-set I had raised with, and no matter how much I shout from the rooftop
that a woman decides for herself what she wants to do and should be respected
for it, a teeny whinny part of me thinks a woman who draws attention to herself
will sooner get in trouble. And because I think this, I trip over myself all
the time. Whenever I am involuntarily being out there (I say involuntary
because it is my personality – y’all don’t know how many times I have told
myself that I am going to try to be ‘normal’ and ‘good’ but can’t keep it up), I
half-expect wahala. I am pretty sure
there are many who are waiting for my day of reckoning sef. Perhaps they thought it had come the day I partook in a Breast
Awareness Meme and joked that I had been cheated on for the past 5 months. I
could almost hear folks going, that girl that thinks her husband is the best
thing since sliced bread. Ehen, shebi she don see say men will always be men.
Ehen! Now, she go let us hear word. LOL.
Anyway, this post isn’t about my man, though he remains the best
thing since sliced bread. It is about how gender is a powerful presence in my
life. I am going to start by talking about my mother. Believe me when I say
that she is one very hardworking woman. One area she excels is her passion for
work. Na proper jacky that woman be.
She sleeps so little and goes into her office every single day of the week. And I’m
not just talking about the so-called feminine work – the house-chores – that
aren’t monetized, that are of little financial gain to women. I am talking
about ‘real’ work. My mother is an ambitious woman; she is the type of person
who yearns for an executive position, a position of authority. Unfortunately,
despite her passion, her hard work, that kind of career advancement she wants
has eluded her. She is fifty-four years old now, and doesn’t even have
financial security, after all these years of toiling at work without rest. My
mother believes, and I quite agree, that if she had been a man she wouldn’t
need to work this hard. Or rather, that she would commit the hours as she has
as a women, but the difference would be that her ROI (return on [time]
investment) would be higher. She would do the same amount of work she’s always
done but get a much higher income. A man and a woman would do the same sort of
thing, but a man takes more home at the end of the day because he is a man.
Anyone who doubts me or thinks I am spouting nonsense from my ass, please
google DFID’s extensive research on gender in Nigeria. What the document
doesn’t exactly state, but what I am believe to be true, is that men get more
because they are perceived to need it more.
Most of you will agree with me that a woman’s income is seen in
Nigeria to be jara even when it’s
clearly not. An employer may be inclined to tell her, “why are you stressing
yourself like this, eh? Go and get a man to take care of you” rather than
accept her proposal for higher wages. On the other hand, a male employee (who
is diligent in world, committed to pushing the country forward) won’t ever have
to hear such rubbish. He is in a better position to negotiate successfully. For
one, if he isn’t a shifty character, his time at the company is seen to be more
reliable because it is steadier. He isn’t going to be away on maternity leave –
even companies that are generous enough to give paternity leave don’t offer 3
paid months of it. When his kids are sick, his wife would be called upon not him.
His kids’ school authorities wouldn’t expect him to be the one attending PTAs
(just as bomboy’s class teacher expressed her surprise when MM that came for
PTA, not me). And if he works late at night, the possibility that his wife will
storm into office to make trouble and accuse him of sleeping with his boss is
low. Or that she would wake up in the mornings paranoid that her husband’s job is an
avenue for him to meet women, therefore he must resign and stay at home to take
care of the children. Thus making him more valuable. And if these aren’t enough
advantage, he is perceived to need the money to take care of the women in his
life. His income isn’t jara, so when
he presses for a raise or is driving a hard bargain during the recruitment
process, he wouldn’t be seen as a greedy motherfucker who only wastes his salary
on clothes, makeup and shoes.
However,
beyond the mindset employers may be working with, there is the matter of the
way women regard money. I am going to use myself as an example. In all the time
I have been working, I have never asked for a raise. I have only once sort of
refused a job because I felt the remuneration on offer left little to be
desired. I say sort of because I didn't tell them to take the job and shove it
up their ass. I simply argued that I was worth more. They couldn't afford
to pay more, so we mutually shook hands and say we shall meet again. Even then,
I would sometimes admonish myself. Maybe I should have taken what was offered,
even though it really wouldn't to benefit me financially. After all, wasn’t I
the kind of person who would say I was doing it for the experience, or I was
doing it because I was pregnant and nobody else wants to employ a pregnant
woman, I was doing it because I'm not the sort of person to fold my arms and
stay at home, or I'm doing it because of this and because of that. There is
always a reason why I am willing to take a job, and then moan thereafter about
people who got paid handsomely.
Perhaps
the reason I can afford to do this is because my basic survival isn’t dependent
on these jobs. True, I am quite low maintenance. Aside from my madness for Apple
products, I find it hard to spend what I see as an obscene amount of money on
anything. I buy cheap clothes or quality clothes at huge discounts. I recently began
buying M.A.C products, and mehn it took some psyching oh. Like the N3,500 I
paid for an eyeliner. Na wa ya. I asked myself, abi no be the same thing N100
own dey do e dey do? I be proper 'Aye' babe. *hisses and reminds myself say na
only one life I get oh ... na when I dey plan to enjoy am? Anyway, you get the
picture. My cheapness aside, it could be that the main reason I can afford to
work for pennies is because I’ve a husband who can afford to keep me, feed me,
clothe me, house me and take adequate care of our son. Our basic needs are no issue;
frivolities postponed till when country better. And if I think this way, it
means I did actually buy into exactly the kind of mind-set that kept Nigerian
women poor. My income is really jara.
For days I have wanted a M.A.C powder brush that costs N20,000. With my small change, I could jejely buy it without hearing husband
scream, “twenty thousand for gini?” Because truly if bomboy's school was impatiently
waited for my salary to land so it could get their fees, I wouldn’t be so
altruistic. I would be howling, “show me the motherfucking money!”
Or
maybe I still would. Maybe I would be concerned about how I would appear. Afraid I would be thought of as greedy. A ‘what does she want all that
money for sef?’ kind of situation. After all, sitting on the business class
section of the airplane (my second time ever, yay!!), my mind briefly went to the
people who may be thinking, “see this small girl, I wonder who is really paying for
that seat.” You know, because men have money and women don't, and if a woman is
spending more than the bare minimum then it had to have come from a man.
Perhaps absolutely nobody thinks that. It could be all in my head. Real or merely my
erroneous perception, it is something that discourages me from flashiness. The
fear that it would put a question mark on my source of funding. At least I
am married, so my husband is the first suspect. Not some Alhaji or Senator, or
bank manager. What about single women who, because they want to get married,
are turned off by jobs or positions that will bring them ‘too much money’? They
don’t want their integrity debated about. Perhaps they too had had it drummed
into their ears that virtue in a woman is in being demure, in quietness.
Society keeps showing them, through Nollywood and even Hollywood (hello, Being
Mary Jane), that there is a very good chance that a woman with shit load of money
and career success is going to end up alone. So, by Jove, even if being Onyeoma CY doesn’t come natural to them,
they are going to fake it till it becomes second nature.
So
yeah, gender is very much a part of my everyday life. It isn't something I
encounter on paper, or something the West stuffs down my throat. I honestly
feel I don't talk about it enough. But of course, you all are free to disagree.
Ciao!
P:S: Last week I posted something
about Giants of History. I honestly couldn’t stress enough how this is a book
to buy, even if you have a phobia for books. Seriously. Hey, it is Easter by the corner, and hampers are going
on. Chuck this one in there, and make someone’s day! By the way, I hope you all
clicked on the link and some can make it to the book launch. I still have my invite
for anyone who wants it.
